The Ultimate Battle

Yes, here it comes...I am about to make what I feel is my biggest personal struggle public to the world, or at least the 7 people that read my blog. I have gained 35 pounds and weigh about 10 pounds more than I did when I walked into the hospital to give birth, and 45 pounds more than I did at my skinniest when I was breastfeeding twins (I knew I should've become a wet nurse) and am completely discouraged with my personal appearance and feel overwhelmed with the idea of weight loss. It is consuming my life right now - the battle between good and evil food. I'm ready to take diet pills or have liposuction or fly to Mexico or somewhere where they will perform gastric bypass on anyone who requests it. I do so well for about a week and make good choices, and then it all falls apart after that because I had an extra long day and dinner comes out of a drive through, or we have a potluck at church, or we're invited to a party or something. I think what discourages me more is that the people I know who have managed to lose weight still have to maintain the weight loss. It's the total life change that really overwhelms me. I'm just frustrated by the whole thing. Who was the idiot that decided food processing was a good idea, or who decided that deep frying something would be a good experiment? And why does unhealthy food taste so good immediately and healthy stuff is an acquired taste? No, it's not that we train ourselves over time to like junk food. Give a baby the option between broccoli and a chicken nugget - the chicken nugget WILL win. I'm just frustrated with the whole thing right now. I've never been good at self-discipline. I procrastinate a lot and clean my house when I can't stand it any more instead of just steadily taking care of business. Maybe I need a psychiatrist, or a hypnotist, or a personality transplant. So, that's my issue right now, and, please, feel free to just give me a little "me, too" so I don't feel alone. I'm the person who will pick the one skinny girl out of a crowd of 5o people who struggle with weight and will think, "She can do it - what's wrong with me?" instead of, "Obviously it's hard for a lot of people - I'm not alone." (Sniff, sniff - a tear just rolled down my cheek...and then dripped onto my fat belly.)